


pin me down

by bukowsking



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aftercare, Angst, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Bucky Barnes-centric, But he learns, Canon Disabled Character, Coming Out, Dom/sub Undertones, Dry Humping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Inspired by Fanart, Kink Negotiation, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Nonbinary Bucky Barnes, Nonbinary Character, Pierced Bucky Barnes, Smut, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Top Tony Stark, reassurance, steve rogers is lowkey ignorant, they/them pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:41:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22367338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bukowsking/pseuds/bukowsking
Summary: bucky barnes has never identified as a man. steve rogers doesn't quite understand. tony stark provides comfort.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark
Comments: 9
Kudos: 227





	pin me down

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by this [wonderful fanart](https://twitter.com/arsartisf/status/1217201050752561155?s=20) created by @arsartisf on twitter! title comes from ezra furman's song wobbly. i own nothing but the storyline. enjoy xx

Bucky has always known they weren't a man. At the very least, not by society's standards. But, they played the male role dutifully, whisking dames off their feet and sleeping with as many of them as possible. Taking over their father's role as "man of the house" when he passed of liver cancer. Becoming a psuedo-big brother to little Stevie Rogers when said boy couldn't keep himself out of fights. And ultimately, enlisting in the army when they came of age. 

Of course Steve followed. No matter how many rejections, how many times he'd had to falsify government papers. Steven Grant Rogers was nothing if not stubborn and Bucky Barnes had promised to be by his side through it all. And so they were. Red Skull, the Howling Commandos, Peggy Carter. Bucky was right in the thick of everything, and that's what lead to their fall. To losing their arm. To HYDRA.

There's something to be said for how the world treats them as a victim of PTSD and a war veteran. Sure, here in the twenty-first century, there's been a multitude of progress to end the stigma surrounding mental health. But still, Bucky's experienced their fair share of running into those who still believe that mental illness isn't real. Those who'd rather support war than focus on actually taking care of their veterans. Veterans that end up homeless, that suffer endlessly as a result of the wars they deem 'necessary.'

And then there's the issue of Bucky's gender. Or rather, how they deal with their gender dysphoria and all of the stigma that comes with being a part of the LGBT+ community. And that, my friends, is an entire can of worms on its own. Bucky had always known they weren't a man. Yet, they also knew they weren't what society deems a woman either. They were somewhere floating in between, and that made life all the more difficult. They'd never explicitly told Steve, or anyone really, about this particular conundrum. And it wasn't that they didn't trust him, or Natasha or Sam, but rather that they didn't exactly want to burden them down with anything else right now. They were all suffering sorely after Siberia, and Bucky had sworn to themself that they’d do their best to help those they called family, hence the much needed time in cryo and the rehabilitation he'd received in Wakanda. 

There, they didn't have to hide. There, they could tend to their goats and finally attempt to have some semblance of peace. There, they were… themselves. Shuri had never outright said anything, but there was a hint of understanding in her eyes when she saw how Bucky would tie their hair up on certain days, and how they preferred the freedom of a long dress-type of clothing as opposed to the pants she'd provided for most of the male-presenting citizens. 

Bucky was so, so thankful for her. And for all that the great nation of Wakanda gave them.

So when they'd chosen to reintegrate themselves back into society, back with Steve, things became… not so simple. Sure, being surrounded by those they were familiar with was comforting and helped their recovery along nicely, but they could all sense that there was something  _ off _ , and since Bucky'd chosen to suppress their thoughts and feelings, no one could put their finger on what exactly it was. And it was making the house tense in ways that Bucky'd never wanted things to be. Sam would snap at them every now and then, for real, during their playfully bantering moments, and they could see the effect that was having on Steve. Nat was a human lie detector herself, so Bucky'd flat out avoided her like the plague for as long as they possibly could. They made sure to never be in any closed spaces alone with her, and Steve had chalked that strange behavior up to Bucky having a crush on her.

He couldn't be any more wrong if he tried. 

While Bucky'd been in Wakanda, Shuri had gifted them with a phone. A phone with internet access and phone numbers, including Tony fucking Stark's. Bucky had given her a bit of a look when they spotted it, but she had merely turned her back to resume working on the arm she had designed. One designed for everyday use, rather than being a weapon. Although she did include some features that would certainly help on the battlefield, should Bucky choose to go back to it. Maybe that's why she'd included Tony's number, because she figured they'd contact Tony if they wanted to join the Avengers, which they didn't. Or maybe she'd thought one of them would at least try to make amends, or whatever. 

And much to Bucky's surprise, that's actually what wound up happening. Stark sent over this lengthy, almost blubbery, text of an apology, to which Bucky simply responded to with a smiling emoji and a thumbs up. Perhaps they weren't the best communicator, but Stark took it in stride and they'd been messaging back and forth ever since. Eventually, those messages evolved into phone calls (during which Tony would essentially talk Bucky's ear off until said super soldier passed out), and then they made the transition from phone calls to FaceTime sessions. Tony had gotten well acquainted with Bucky's horde of goats-slash-children, and even indulged in a conversation about his own experiences with farm life in the form of an alpaca named Gerald. That particular discussion got quite a number of laughs from Bucky, and they tried their best to ignore the adoring looks Tony had graced them with.

But it's to no avail. Somewhere along the line of all of their discussions, of all the late night shared movie watching, and the laughs, Bucky'd fallen for the other man. They realize it much in the way raindrops caress the glass of a window during a storm; unhurried and in increments. So slowly, in fact, that by the time this revelation hits them, the "Rogue" Avengers had up and moved back into Stark Tower at Tony's request. Probably as a result of his Pepper's break-up, Tony had insisted that the Cap Quartet, as he so fondly named them, move in as soon as possible so that they could fast track the healing of their relationships.

Now, most people would probably say that moving in with one's crush and being in such close proximity to them on a daily basis would certainly be a good thing. However, it sends Bucky into a complete downward spiral of self doubt, and only serves to make things that much more difficult. They've fallen back into their old habit of avoiding confrontation rather than facing things head on, a result of their unhealthy coping mechanisms, or so their therapist says. Anyway, it comes to a head only two weeks later. Tony all but corners them in the lab during one of their periodic tune-ups, and Bucky has to hand it to the man; he waited until the perfectly opportune moment to interrogate Bucky.

So, they come out, officially, for the first time. To Tony fuckin' Stark. Someone who the world wanted to be their enemy, and so many people truly believed that they really were. The activities that went on in the privacy of Tony's bedroom later that night seemed to prove otherwise, but they digress. Tony had had enough of his personal life being shoved into the spotlight, and suffice to say that Bucky wasn't exactly keen on putting themselves in that spotlight either. They make the decision to keep the relationship under wraps, including to the rest of the Avengers, out of necessity, not out of shame. It's the first time Bucky has ever chosen to hide something not out of shame. It certainly feels good to be able to make their own decisions again.

Which, inevitably, leads them to the local tattoo shop. They'd heavily considered getting some ink, but instead walked out with two little matching barbells in each of their nipples. Experiencing Tony's rather… eager reaction to those piercings lead Bucky to return to the shop, owned by a rather handsome looking gay couple, and here they are two months later with a rod through their tongue and a dangly piece of jewelry hanging from their belly button with a gem in the same shade as their eyes. Tony makes it a point of keeping Bucky in tight, cropped shirts as often as possible and in all honesty, it just makes Bucky love him all the more. 

Yes, they're in love. And yes, Bucky's decided to throw caution to the wind and tell the other Avengers. Steve was their best friend, after all. It genuinely amazes Bucky that they'd even kept it from him for as long as they have. 

Granted, not everything goes smoothly. There's a bit of a freak out on Steve's side of things, being that not even a year ago Tony and Bucky had been ready to end each other's lives. Bucky can understand where Steve might be having trouble putting two and two together, but following a hefty explanation, he comes to learn to accept things. Not that Bucky'd needed Steve's approval to be happy, mind you. But it definitely does help to lighten the burden on Bucky's shoulders. Now they'd just need to let the other shoe drop, as the kids say, and finally come out to Steve.

Needless to say, there was a certain level of anxiousness Bucky'd been experiencing ever since they'd made their mind up to tell Steve. Tony, god bless him, had been nothing but absolutely supportive and understanding, and not in that condescending way that men typically were. He truly was someone Bucky felt honored to know and have in his life, regardless of how fucked up things were at the beginning of their friendship. 

Bucky had had many an opportunity to spill the beans, being that they and Steve were the two Avengers most often sent to go on missions alone together. It helped that most of these missions were specifically low to non-combative, being that Bucky was nowhere near ready to become a weapon again, even if they were on the good guys' side this time. However, each time they'd worked up enough courage to open their mouths, the acrid taste of bile filled their throat instead and never gave the words a chance to be spoken.  _ Why is this so fucking hard? _ Steve knew everything - well, nearly everything - there was to know about Bucky and he'd never once judged them for any of it. So why would he now?

\--------------------

Things get worse, of course. Steve starts to invite Bucky on his morning runs with Sam, during which they both refer to them as "dude," "man, and "bro." It's a scene straight out of a queer person's nightmare. That, on top of their non-stop conversations about "chicks" leads Bucky to just stop going altogether. They give Steve the excuse of preferring the gym and lifting weights as opposed to cardio, and Steve simply laughs and accepts it.

Steve and Sam offer to take them for a night of bar cruising and a club, but nothing makes Bucky's skin crawl more than the thought of going to some straight club where they'd inevitably wind up just watching Steve mouth-breathe all over some poor, unsuspecting woman. Nat follows up with invitations to open mic nights, which Bucky actually does choose to attend and quite surprisingly enjoys, and then. And then one day she asks them to accompany her to a manicure appointment. Had it been anyone else to have asked, Bucky wouldn't have thought twice about it. But they know she knows something. It's evident in the way she observes them as they sit in front of the manicurist, who's painting their nails a sheer pink color. So sue 'em. They like to look pretty every now and then.

It all comes to a head as Bucky and Nat make their way back into the tower, shopping bags and Starbucks cups in their freshly manicured hands. Bucky's changed into a mesh top that just reaches the top of their belly button and a pair of their tightest jeans, courtesy of their thirsty - and they mean that in the most loving way possible - boyfriend. ON their feet are some lightly beat up Doc Martens and their hair is in that half-up half-down style Tony always insisted they wear more often.

Their smile drops when Steve enters the communal kitchen, and the look on his face truly just says it all. Steve always did wear his heart on his sleeve, and that was something Bucky had always admired. Except for right now.

"... Bucky. Um. Hi. What's… what's all this? Nat put you up to a dare or something?" He says with an uneasy looking grin, and Bucky's dread grows when he sees Tony coming in from the lab. Fuck.

"S-Steve, um. Well, a-actually there's something I, uh, been meaning to - "

"Are those  _ nipple rings _ ?! What the f… Buck. Dude. What the hell is going on? I mean, I get it's like, cool and normal for men to be in touch with their feminine side and everything but… the belly button? Really?"

Bucky watches as Tony steps in and presses himself to Bucky's side, stance clearly reading as 'protective momma bear and ready to defend by partner if need be.' Bucky loves him so fucking much. But they pray that this won't come to blows. They want, no they  _ need _ for this to go smoothly and for Steve to at least attempt to be understanding, otherwise they don't know what they'll do. It seems that they've taken too long to speak, however, when Steve just plows right on through with his tirade.

"Bucky, man -"

"I'm not a fucking man, okay!"

A thick blanket of silence falls over the room, and Bucky catches a glimpse of Sam peeking in from his spot in the living room. Their entire body has flushed red with a mix of embarrassment and anger, the solid feeling of Tony's fingers gripping their flesh arm tightly barely registering in their mind. All of their sight zeroes in on Steve, and they lift their chin in a show of pride as they continue speaking.

"I'm not a fucking man. And don't go callin' me a woman either, alright? I'm just…  _ fuck _ , Stevie, I'm just me. And you gotta be okay with that because Tony and Nat are and I can't do life without you, okay? So just. Just don't fuckin' call me 'dude' anymore. My nails are fuckin' pink, for chrissake."

There's matching proud smirks on both Tony and Nat's faces, while Sam seems to just nod into his bowl of chili. Sam was always typically ambivalent about things, and Bucky was more than grateful for it in this instance. They wished the same could be said about Steve. He was stood still, mouth hung a bit open in shock, and it finally snaps shut as Bucky watches their best friend really take in the sight before him. There's a heavy moment where no one says anything, and then Steve just… nods. He nods and turns back to the elevator, where he instructs JARVIS to bring him back up to his floor.

He doesn't say a word to Bucky. Bucky, his best friend, who just confessed their biggest secret and received no reaction in return. Hell, even a bad reaction would've been better than no reaction at this point.

Tony runs after him when Bucky breaks down in a sob, heading for their own rooms. 

\--------------------

"Bucky, baby honey, you gotta open the door for me, okay?" Tony pleads for what feels like the hundredth time, and in reality he could just ask JARVIS to unlock the bathroom door, but he wouldn't take that privacy away from Bucky. If they were gonna let Tony in, it was gonna be on their own terms. Tony's head presses against the wood, and his heart pains when he catches the sound of Bucky's hiccuping sobs. By now, their mascara had probably started running down their face and Tony knew the product would be irritating his skin. The least Bucky could do is open up the door so that Tony could help them clean up. It's what he was banking on.

"Snowflake, please,  _ please.  _ I'm only here to help, you know that. I love you so much, Bucky Barnes. I'll be right here whenever you decide to let me in. I love you." Tony keeps his tone calming and as quiet as possible, and he all but holds his breath as he does exactly that. Luckily, he hears the gears of the doorknob moving not five minutes later, his smile gentle as he moves to stand to greet his partner.

His arms immediately come to wrap around Bucky's frame, pulling them in close and sighing as Bucky nestles their face in his shoulder and clings as tight as they can without hurting Tony. His fingers move to caress the back of the super soldier's head, running them through their soft brown locks. "It's okay, Buckybear, I'm here, I'm right here. You're alright, c'mon, let's go lie down, yeah? Nice and soft sheets, let's go lie down." Tony coaxes them with sweet words of encouragement, to which Bucky sniffs and simply follows, barely kicking off their boots as they collapsed onto the bed.

"That's it honey, there we go." Tony coos at them, dropping featherlight kisses over Bucky's forehead and cheeks. The tears have stopped, thankfully, and Tony's heart soars when he sees the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of Bucky's lips. He leans into the moment. "My happy little honey bee. Gonna take care of you, don't worry. I'm here." The words are muffled as Tony brings their lips together in what he means to be a chaste embrace, but he knows how Bucky gets when they're like this. They crave affection, reassurance, and to put it bluntly, they crave  _ Tony _ .

So the kisses become not-so-innocent pretty quickly, not that Tony's complaining. If there's anything he loves more than inventing and tinkering, it's Bucky, and all that taking care of Bucky entails. Moans are easily elicited from the back of his throat, and it gets to a point where he genuinely can't tell whose moans are whose anymore. Bucky's hands have found purchase on Tony's back, the fingernails of his flesh hand digging in so hard that they started to break the flesh through the material of Tony's shirt. Their hips meet in the middle, movements languid and tongues slipping into each other's mouths. Bucky's noises are turning desperate, and Tony knows he has to take the reins from here.

"Oh, my sweet baby. So needy, aren't you?" A shiver runs through Bucky's spine at the sound of those words, nodding quickly as Tony starts to build a steady rhythm with his hips. He's hard as a rock and it feels so fucking  _ good _ to rut up against him. The friction is everything Bucky needs and the soft cries that release from their mouth are a testament to that. Tony's answering chuckle is low and hot, his breath wavering over the sensitive skin of Bucky's throat.

"N-Need you, need you so bad, Sir. Wanna feel good again. Please?"

_ Sir _ . When he and Bucky had embarked on this romantic journey, sex had obviously been something they'd both expected to happen. However, they'd both had… particular tastes and decided to do the mature thing and have an honest and open session of kink negotiation. The whole "daddy" kink did come up, but both agreed that it wasn't for them and so decided to go with "Sir," for when Bucky felt particularly submissive. 

Speaking of submissive.

"Gonna make you feel so good, baby. Keep working those hips for me, show Sir how badly you need it." 

Bucky does exactly that. Their breaths come shallow and harsh, chasing that high they know all too well. The coil of arousal is tightening in the pit of their stomach, and all it takes is one perfectly timed grind downwards from Tony for Bucky's back to arch and a choked off moan to rip itself from their throat as they come, hard. Any other time and Tony would've punished them for coming without permission, but with the delicate state they were in, Tony simply gathered Bucky in his arms and carried them off into the attached bathroom to be cleaned up and pampered. There was nothing a good hot bath and some skin to skin contact couldn't fix.

Tony loved Bucky dearly, and he would do everything in his power to show them that. 

\---------------------

Steve approaches Bucky the next day in the neutral space that is the communal living room. This way, if Bucky felt overwhelmed or anxious, they could make the decision to flee the scene. Steve understood how much it meant to Bucky that they be able to make their own decisions. 

"Hey, Buck. Um, do you mind if we talk? About yesterday?" Steve asks softly, noting the way Bucky's gone a bit tense in their shoulders beneath the weighted blanket that was settled around their frame. Tony had purchased it as a Christmas gift after reading up about how much they helped with anxiety, and Bucky'd barely separated from it since. Steve stands warily in the entranceway, and lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding when Bucky nods and motions for him to sit across from them on the armchair. So there was still a desire to keep some distance, which Steve couldn't exactly blame them for, but it was an olive branch nonetheless.

"So, I guess I wanna preamble by saying that I am very, very deeply sorry about yesterday. Obviously, I can't educate myself overnight, but at the very least I can come to realize how disrespectful and downright rude what I said was. You're you and I love you, no matter what. 'Till the end of the line. All I can ask is that you help me learn right from wrong here, okay? I didn't wanna go googling anything because I know every person's journey and process is different so I can't just read some standard story and expect that to be yours as well. So. I'm sorry, Bucky. Will you help me learn?"

Bucky's eyes have gone a bit misty, and while the set of their jaw is still tight with tension, they do manage to give Steve a slight smile before clearing their throat to speak. 

"Thank you, Stevie. For apologizing, and for not googling. There's some good information on there, don't get me wrong, but you're right. My story is mine and no article online is gonna be able to tell you that. So, I'll tell you." They adjust their position a bit, crossing their legs and pushing the blanket down to their lap as they begin to reiterate a speech they'd practiced in front of their mirror for years. "You know I was always a bit different from the other kids we grew up with. A typical boy on the outside, but I had my softness, too. Back then, there wasn't a…. a term, really, for who I am. But now, I think that term would best be described as non-binary. I'm not a man, but I'm not a woman, either, like I said. I'm just… just Bucky. Some days I might like to wear my hair up, some days I'll put on some blush and a little bit of lipstick. Most days I'm most comfortable in my sweatpants and a bun and not really labelling myself at all." A heavy breath leaves their lips, and they continue. "All I really know is that I don't like masculine pronouns. He and him. Nor do I like she and her. I've, um, been using gender neutral pronouns for some time now. So, like, they and them and theirs. So instead of saying, like, 'that's Bucky, he's my best friend,' you would say, 'that's Bucky,  _ they're _ my best friend.'" They explain further, noting the slightly confused expression on Steve's face.

There's a bit of silence, comfortable silence, as Steve mulls over their words. Then he moves, and Bucky's suddenly wrapped up warm and safe in their best friend's arms. They let a few tears roll loose, and their eyes slide shut as they tuck their face into Steve's well-muscled shoulder. 

"I love you, Buck. Thank you for explaining that to me. And I really, really hope you know how sorry I am about all of this." Steve sighs, pulling back to give Bucky a fond smile as he fixes the few loose strands of hair that have fallen out of Bucky's bun. He still may have a bit to go with understanding everything there is about this subject, but he's just glad he's able to fix things with Bucky first, and to truly start making headway with coming to terms with this. "Burgers and milkshakes on me?" He offers, and he laughs when Bucky responds with an enthusiastic "fuck yeah," he knows everything is gonna be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and criticisms always appreciated!! xx


End file.
